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  Topic: I spoke to God, He is REALLY loud< Next Oldest | Next Newest >  
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 14 2006,21:04   

Last night I spoke with God.  It went fairly well, He was genuinely nice.  If it hadn't been so late at night, I would have liked to have talked with him for a bit longer.

I asked him about the Bible.  He said that he disliked some of the poetic license that had been taken with the stories.  He particularly didnt appreciate all of that stuff about Abraham(apparently Sarah wasn't really Abraham's half-sister).  I asked him why He would allow his name to be attached to a book that didnt accurately depict Him, and He told me that it was an issue of "creative freedom".  His name shows up in many other texts, but He never tries to influence any of the authors.

We spoke for awhile about this whole Evo vs Creo debate.  He thought it was kind of cute.  Oh, by the way, logic is apparently what God considers a joke.  He created it mostly to confuse people.  Half of the population considers logic as a solid ground for making conclusions, and the other half doesn't believe in it.  I asked Him if he had designed anything in biological creatures, and He told me He had.  Apparently God is responsible for men having nipples.  He explained that there was actually a way for biology to avoid unisex body parts, but He thought they were "cute".  I swear to Him, that is the word He used.

Anyway, Im getting side-tracked.  

I also talked to him about evil.  He actually had a really good explanation for evil in the world.  I cannot actually tell you what it is, all I can say is that we shouldn't really be worrying about it.

The most interesting part of the conversation came when I asked Him to show me ####.  It was interesting because IT DOESNT EXIST.  I thought this was odd, but He explained it to me.  He!! doesnt exist because it is unnecessary.  He!! would only be necessary if we knew for certain that it existed.  If you dont know positively that a punishment exists, and the rules are not even very clear, how can you be expected to follow the rules?  What good does it do to punish people who didnt even know that the punishment exists?

He told me that bad people(evil people) are rare.  Those who are evil do not exist in Heaven, but that I shouldn't really worry about it.  Most people are good.

Well, I think He might call back tonight, so if anyone has any questions they want me to ask him....I will try to see if He will answer.

Anyways, talk to you later.

  
GCT



Posts: 1001
Joined: Aug. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,03:57   

Ask him if he can make a burrito so hot that even he can't eat it.

  
Renier



Posts: 276
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,04:26   

GCT! You should be ashamed. This is the once in a lifetime chance to speak to the big G, and you ask a silly question (btw, I also want to know, cuase I want one).

However, I do have a question and it is one I have been contemplating for years now. What rocks makes the best pet rocks?

  
stevestory



Posts: 10127
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,04:27   

ask him who his boss is. Is it Mr. Tanaka?

   
GCT



Posts: 1001
Joined: Aug. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,04:30   

Sorry Renier, but burritos sure are tasty.

Ask him, "How are you doing?"

(For all the fans of the Tick cartoon.)

  
Renier



Posts: 276
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,04:44   

I am doing fine, thanks for asking GCT. :p I am sure BWE will be on my case for impersonating him, ie God, ie BWE. lol

  
Stephen Elliott



Posts: 1754
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,05:44   

I would like to know the secret to eternal Life/Good health.

If more than 1 is allowed I would also like to know the result of every sporting event about 3 hours before it starts.

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,05:47   

BART: You met the Big Guy, Dad? What's He like?

HOMER: Perfect teeth, nice smell, class act all the way!

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,06:00   

Ok, well another eventful night last night.  Either I got too drunk, or me and God spoke again.  I asked him some of the questions...here are the responses.

Quote
Ask him if he can make a burrito so hot that even he can't eat it.


He said that was stupid.  Why would anyone make burritos so hot that they couldn't be eaten.  They are delicious.

Quote
However, I do have a question and it is one I have been contemplating for years now. What rocks makes the best pet rocks?


He said granite.  I asked him why, but apparently it is a secret.

Quote
ask him who his boss is. Is it Mr. Tanaka?

He said that being God is an entrepreneurship.

Quote
I would like to know the secret to eternal Life/Good health.

If more than 1 is allowed I would also like to know the result of every sporting event about 3 hours before it starts.


The secret to eternal life/good health is:
1.  Dont get sick
2.  Dont die
3.  Dont get old

Oh, and here is the result to every sporting event....
Someone will either win, or both teams will tie.  On a few rare occurences the games will be delayed or cancelled due to weather.  

Hope that helps.

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,06:02   

Could you ask Him if He knows who killed JFK?

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
GCT



Posts: 1001
Joined: Aug. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,07:06   

Could you ask him if he is The Intelligent Designer that I keep hearing so much about?

  
Ichthyic



Posts: 3325
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,09:55   

Quote
Last night I spoke with God.


funny, I speak with God all the time, and your name hasn't come up yet.

--------------
"And the sea will grant each man new hope..."

-CC

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,10:07   

Quote (Ichthyic @ June 15 2006,14:55)
Quote
Last night I spoke with God.


funny, I speak with God all the time, and your name hasn't come up yet.

A different God?

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
Ichthyic



Posts: 3325
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,10:21   

not that I've heard, but hey, God might be biased.

--------------
"And the sea will grant each man new hope..."

-CC

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,10:24   

Quote (Ichthyic @ June 15 2006,15:21)
not that I've heard, but hey, God might be biased.

I dunno, I spoke with Vishnu once, and he hadn't heard of any of my friends or relatives. He sure seemed to know a lot of people from India, though.

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
Ichthyic



Posts: 3325
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,11:03   

vishnu, vishnu....

nope, God says they've never heard of them.

;)

--------------
"And the sea will grant each man new hope..."

-CC

  
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,12:15   

Quote
Could you ask Him if He knows who killed JFK?


He says "a bullet".

Quote
Could you ask him if he is The Intelligent Designer that I keep hearing so much about?


He wouldnt say, but he kept mumbling something about Calvin Klein?

Quote
funny, I speak with God all the time, and your name hasn't come up yet.

Really?  Must be an issue of theological confidentiality.

Quote
I dunno, I spoke with Vishnu once, and he hadn't heard of any of my friends or relatives. He sure seemed to know a lot of people from India, though.


That's funny...cause this God says He also gets called Brahma sometimes....but then again...He knows everybody.

BTW...God apologized for AFDave.
He told me that when trying to plan a final product 300 trillion years ago...sometimes it winds up flawed.

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,12:26   

Okay... I admit this is kind of a touchy issue... but since you've got this direct line and all, I figured I should ask.

Ask Him: did he really tell me to kill all those people back in '72, or was I just imagining things?

'Cause if I did just imagine it, it puts me in a kind of, uh, embarrassing predicament...

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
qetzal



Posts: 311
Joined: Feb. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,14:07   

Quote (PuckSR @ June 15 2006,11:00)
Ok, well another eventful night last night.  Either I got too drunk, or me and God spoke again.  I asked him some of the questions...here are the responses.

 
Quote
Ask him if he can make a burrito so hot that even he can't eat it.


He said that was stupid.  Why would anyone make burritos so hot that they couldn't be eaten.  They are delicious.

Can you please tell Him that my personal favorites are carne asada burritos from Roberto's, especially the one in Del Mar ('cause you can eat them on the beach). Was He the one who taught Roberto how to make such great burritos? I bet He was!

  
AnthonyK



Posts: 2
Joined: June 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,14:14   

Ask him why he gave gay men arseholes.

No, but seriously - could he ask his believers to praise him a bit more quietly?  The noise is doing my head in.

  
stevestory



Posts: 10127
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,14:14   

Did He have any part in inspiring the greatest Elton John song ever, Amoreena? Because I'm not sure a mere mortal could have created that.

   
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 15 2006,14:27   

Quote
Can you please tell Him that my personal favorites are carne asada burritos from Roberto's, especially the one in Del Mar ('cause you can eat them on the beach). Was He the one who taught Roberto how to make such great burritos? I bet He was!


God didnt create the burrito, nor did He teach Roberto how to make one.  He did invent paradilla platter, apparently someone asked Him what was the best meat to put on a taco...and He said "all of 'em"

Quote
No, but seriously - could he ask his believers to praise him a bit more quietly?  The noise is doing my head in.

I didnt ask Him about that, but apparently God is partly deaf.  This explains His heavy usage of thunder, and the reason prayers never get answered.

Quote
Did He have any part in inspiring the greatest Elton John song ever, Amoreena? Because I'm not sure a mere mortal could have created that.


Nah, that is the exclusive work of Bernie Taupin.
He only wrote one song, and He still regrets it...
God wrote the Macarena...

  
George



Posts: 314
Joined: Feb. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,02:56   

Quote

God wrote the Macarena...


Now THAT'S blasphemy.

  
stevestory



Posts: 10127
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,04:45   

Elton John? I KNEW IT. Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you, homo. -dt

   
BWE



Posts: 1898
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,07:31   

You guys should really read my blog. This is all old news.

One guy who talked to god

jesus talks :)

--------------
Who said that ev'ry wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it
Look what it's done so far

The Daily Wingnut

   
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,10:50   

Quote (stevestory @ June 16 2006,09:45)
Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you, homo. -dt

Good one! From the Kentucky relatives?

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
stevestory



Posts: 10127
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,12:39   

LOL I don't remember. Probably tv.

   
Ved



Posts: 398
Joined: Oct. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,12:55   

Quote
Probably tv.

I believe that wonderful man Mr. Colbert said that recently, no? Though I'd be surprised if he was the originator...

 
Quote
BTW...God apologized for AFDave.
He told me that when trying to plan a final product 300 trillion years ago...sometimes it winds up flawed.

LOL indeed. Tell Him I understand. HE can't be responsible for the things people do with their free will.

  
Crabby Appleton



Posts: 250
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,15:22   

Are you still speaking to him? I have two questions. What brand of toilet paper does he use? I'll bet it's the best!

Here's the big one, If Jesus died for my sins, what do I have to die for?

  
Ichthyic



Posts: 3325
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,21:55   

Quote
what do I have to die for?


crabby!  I'm surprised at you.  As an upstanding member of the Church of the Subgenius, you KNOW what you have to die for.

slacker.

;)

--------------
"And the sea will grant each man new hope..."

-CC

  
Crabby Appleton



Posts: 250
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 16 2006,22:26   

Sorry, the first question was the important one for me I did ask it first, (but if you quote me on it I'll sic Connie on you!;) I'm getting kinda old and I'm tired of my employers providing paper that has wood chips in it.

I can't tighten my belt enough to prevent the inevitable. The paper work HAS to be finished.

As for your point about me knowing the answer to the second question, I refer you to this book by Mr. F. Le Mur

http://www.subgenius.com/bigfist....if.html

  
Bing



Posts: 144
Joined: Mar. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 17 2006,02:35   

Quote (stevestory @ June 16 2006,17:39)
LOL I don't remember. Probably tv.

Quote (ved @ June 16 2006)
I believe that wonderful man Mr. Colbert said that recently, no? Though I'd be surprised if he was the originator...

Some things are burned in my memory.  If it's not failing me, that phrase was first used on The Jeffersons.

  
k.e



Posts: 1948
Joined: Mar. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 17 2006,04:10   

ooooh,ooooh,ooooh I been wanting to ask these questions for a long,long,time.
P. please ask him
1. Is his nose as big as it is in his pictures?
2. Why he didn't create water? (not noted anywhere in all of the Genesis' ) answer accepted from Mrs. God.
3. Does he have any dirt on the Pope,Jerry,Pat etc?
4. Why didn't he make men with penises on their foreheads so we could cut short the samba,movies,dinner and moonlit walks? (Suzy, I think that guy really likes you)
5. Is he a carbon based life form?
6. When he last spoke to Osama, GWB and Ollie North did he make sure they had paid their taxes?
7. When was the last time he fiddled with creation?
8. Why didn't he create the world in one day and give us all 6 days off to celebrate him?
9. When is he going to invade Canada? Its just that my best fieind is Canadian and I want to give him to know.
10. What are the numbers for the next powerball?

--------------
The conservative has but little to fear from the man whose reason is the servant of his passions, but let him beware of him in whom reason has become the greatest and most terrible of the passions.These are the wreckers of outworn empires and civilisations, doubters, disintegrators, deicides.Haldane

   
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 17 2006,17:48   

Quote
1. Is his nose as big as it is in his pictures?
2. Why he didn't create water? (not noted anywhere in all of the Genesis' ) answer accepted from Mrs. God.
3. Does he have any dirt on the Pope,Jerry,Pat etc?
4. Why didn't he make men with penises on their foreheads so we could cut short the samba,movies,dinner and moonlit walks? (Suzy, I think that guy really likes you)
5. Is he a carbon based life form?
6. When he last spoke to Osama, GWB and Ollie North did he make sure they had paid their taxes?
7. When was the last time he fiddled with creation?
8. Why didn't he create the world in one day and give us all 6 days off to celebrate him?
9. When is he going to invade Canada? Its just that my best fieind is Canadian and I want to give him to know.
10. What are the numbers for the next powerball?


1.  God doesnt have a nose
2.  God didnt create water, He created hydrogen and oxygen.  He also created molecular bonding....water is just a byproduct.
3.  The Pope is actually Jerry Lewis.  Pat is actually an idiot savant....
4.  It wouldn't matter.  Women are way to complex to care.  Do you honestly think that women cannot tell when you are attracted to them?  The real trick would have been if He would have given women penises on their foreheads.  He realized, however, that this would take away from their natural mysteriousness.
5.  God is actually not a life-form
6.  God said "who?"
7.  God showed up a State Fair in Georgia.  He met Charlie Daniels.  Charlie took some creative license with the story.
8.  6 days?  He says creating the Universe and all reality is more than just a cheap parlor trick.  Besides, He exists outside of space and time...so He actually thinks his gradual and slow approach is more awe-inspiring.
9.  God forgot about Canada.  He says He will need to check into it.  He thought it was mostly polar bears though.
10.  He realizes that some of you do not live in areas that play powerball.  So here are the results for the lotteries in all areas:
The numbers will all be the product of prime numbers.

Quote
What brand of toilet paper does he use? I'll bet it's the best!

Here's the big one, If Jesus died for my sins, what do I have to die for?

God doesnt use toilet paper.  He only needed to defecate once, today we know it as the Big Bang.

He can't figure out why you care about dying.  Death is painless.  Death is the point at which all of your world responsibilies are removed....Death is a gift.

  
Ichthyic



Posts: 3325
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 17 2006,18:18   

Pat is actually an idiot savant....

of what?

--------------
"And the sea will grant each man new hope..."

-CC

  
k.e



Posts: 1948
Joined: Mar. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 17 2006,21:20   


.... God doesnt have a nose


*switch to vaudeville mode

Spiv 1

I say I say I say; how does god smell if he has no nose?


Spiv 2

Bloody awful ....boom boom


--------------
The conservative has but little to fear from the man whose reason is the servant of his passions, but let him beware of him in whom reason has become the greatest and most terrible of the passions.These are the wreckers of outworn empires and civilisations, doubters, disintegrators, deicides.Haldane

   
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 18 2006,16:07   

Quote
Pat is actually an idiot savant....

of what?

Well that is the secret.....
But didn't it ever strike you as odd that Pat had his own TV show?
That wasn't on cable access?

Quote
how does god smell if he has no nose?

God doesn't actually "smell".  Smelling and tasting are simply detection of certain molecules.  God knows where and what all the molecules are....so He doesn't technically smell...he just remembers.

  
Arden Chatfield



Posts: 6657
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 18 2006,19:20   

Quote (PuckSR @ June 18 2006,21:07)
God doesn't actually "smell".  Smelling and tasting are simply detection of certain molecules.  God knows where and what all the molecules are....so He doesn't technically smell...he just remembers.

Did he put off any kind of scent of his own? Lilacs? Frying onions? New car smell? Myrrh?

--------------
"Rich is just mad because he thought all titties had fur on them until last week when a shorn transvestite ruined his childhood dreams by jumping out of a spider man cake and man boobing him in the face lips." - Erasmus

  
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 18 2006,19:28   

I said I spoke to God...I didnt say I held Him in an intimate embrace.  

Side note: apparently when God calls...He uses caller id blocking.  The only way you can tell it is Him is when you hear Him speak...once again...LOUD

  
Henry J



Posts: 4565
Joined: Mar. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 19 2006,17:31   

But are you on a first name basis with Him? Does he let you call him "Art"?

Henry

  
BWE



Posts: 1898
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 19 2006,17:37   

I got one: Is it ok to screw goats? (If you're a person).

Between Davey and T-diddy, my head is spinning.

--------------
Who said that ev'ry wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it
Look what it's done so far

The Daily Wingnut

   
Occam's Aftershave



Posts: 1773
Joined: Feb. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 19 2006,17:43   

Quote
I got one: Is it ok to screw goats? (If you're a person).

Billy goats or nanny goats?  It does make a difference in your liberal attempts to destroy marriage, ya know.

--------------
"Science is what got us to the humble place we’re at, and what hard-won progress we might realize comes from science, with ID completely flaccid, religious apologetics bitching from the sidelines." - Eigenstate at UD

  
BWE



Posts: 1898
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 19 2006,17:51   

Oh gOD, assume the worst- of course.

--------------
Who said that ev'ry wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it
Look what it's done so far

The Daily Wingnut

   
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 19 2006,18:58   

Quote
I got one: Is it ok to screw goats? (If you're a person).

Between Davey and T-diddy, my head is spinning.


Ok, I asked God...
He said that "screwing" or "nailing" goats is wrong...
He objects to the insertion of any hardware into animals.

Quote
But are you on a first name basis with Him? Does he let you call him "Art"?

Actually He prefers to go by "Dude"....???
I thought it was strange myself.....

  
BWE



Posts: 1898
Joined: Jan. 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 19 2006,20:27   


https://www.hantover.com/datasurge/img/images/10300.jpg

This is two views of hardware that gets put in nearly every cow you eat. It is the Shermer ME Captive Bolt stunner and it uses a .22 cap to force a metal rod directly into the brain of the cow before they wrap a chain around it's hind leg, hoist it up onto a rail (still alive, mooing and kicking often enough), roll it over a "Blood Pit", slice the neck skin from the throat to the brisket, reach way up (the cow is upside down) inside to cut the jugular so all the blood runs down into the "Blood Pit" (and consequently all over the guy who does the poking, the "Sticker") All before it is 1st legged with the udder removed, second legged and bunged, sided, hide pulled, de headed, gutted, split, washed and refrigerated.

Is god a vegetarian?

--------------
Who said that ev'ry wish would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that, and someone believed it
Look what it's done so far

The Daily Wingnut

   
Crabby Appleton



Posts: 250
Joined: May 2006

(Permalink) Posted: June 19 2006,21:28   

Quote (PuckSR @ June 17 2006,22:48)
God doesnt use toilet paper.  He only needed to defecate once, today we know it as the Big Bang.

He can't figure out why you care about dying.  Death is painless.  Death is the point at which all of your world responsibilies are removed....Death is a gift.

1. I had a "Big Bang" the other day at work that needed cleaning up and I need to know how "He" does the same. There was a lot of dark matter that had to be dealt with.

2. Death "may" be painless but dying seldom is. I don't want "his" gift.

  
PuckSR



Posts: 314
Joined: Nov. 2005

(Permalink) Posted: June 19 2006,21:57   

Quote
This is two views of hardware that gets put in nearly every cow you eat. It is the Shermer ME Captive Bolt stunner and it uses a .22 cap to force a metal rod directly into the brain of the cow before they wrap a chain around it's hind leg, hoist it up onto a rail (still alive, mooing and kicking often enough), roll it over a "Blood Pit", slice the neck skin from the throat to the brisket, reach way up (the cow is upside down) inside to cut the jugular so all the blood runs down into the "Blood Pit" (and consequently all over the guy who does the poking, the "Sticker") All before it is 1st legged with the udder removed, second legged and bunged, sided, hide pulled, de headed, gutted, split, washed and refrigerated.

Is god a vegetarian?


Nope...God isnt a vegetarian...but He highly recommends Kosher food.

Quote
Death "may" be painless but dying seldom is. I don't want "his" gift.

Dying is painful...but dying is still living...and living is also painful.  If you wish to cease all pain, then death would seem a welcome reprieve from the pain of life.
Sorry, that really isnt God's opinion...I forgot to ask him so I quickly paraphrased some Epicurius.

  
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